Hello people of the internet! I’m Ross and I’m here to aimlessly ramble as I work some shit out. Sorry in advance that you have to sit through yet another one of these little therapy sessions that I have via the newsletter. Also, sorry in advance as I don’t fully know what I’m going to write, but I felt the need to write stuff anyway. I’ve already mentally attempted to go through some of this, but let’s write some shit too.
Losing some of my Mojo
I’m not gonna lie, the past… maybe 2 weeks or so 🤔 I’ve been in a little bit of a funk where I haven’t really been feeling it in terms of the business. I’m not sure why, and I’m sorry for saying this, but I just haven’t had that “excitement” there.
Not sure why I’m saying sorry. I guess because it’s our business we should always feel excited and passionate about it? And if we don’t feel excited by it then why should you care?
But doesn’t everyone go through patches where you’re not as fussed on your job, or lose interest in a certain part of it and all that jazz?
Usually for me, my attention simply shifts. One minute I’m more interested in writing. Then I love doing packing videos. Then I just want to talk shite via the podcast. I’ve always flicked between things, but it’s always been related to the business in some way.
In a way, and if you REALLY break it down, the wax melts are simply the lens by which my “content” is framed. And what I mean by that is I usually enjoy making content. Simple as that. The only reason it’s geared around wax melts and the business is because I run a wax melt business. If someone said “Yo! We’re a travel agency now” then my content would be framed in that way.
But lately, I just haven’t been feeling anything. I’ve kinda just muddled along. Almost going on autopilot? Usually I can put my “game face” on when required and that’s what I’ve tried my best to do.
Why has my mojo dropped?
If you want straight up honesty, and this is gonna sound proper lame, but it’s fallen off a cliff since I deleted Freetrade.
You might be going “wtf does that have to do with anything?”
But again, if I’m honest, I think it was a partial gambling addiction.
Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t - and still don’t - piss about with shares chucking 10 years worth of pension on random shit. But I did get a buzz when a stock turned out to be a good one and went up. Or I felt bummed when I got it wrong, and wanted to chase the next hit.
I’d check Freetrade MANY times a day racking up 1-2 hours per day easily. And that’s not counting stock news and all that other shite.
I’m pretty sure I’ve talked about this on a previous newsletter, but I don’t think I quite realised that a part of it had a gambling-esque quality to it. Like I ALWAYS wanted money available to buy stocks. And if I didn’t have any on the side, I’d simply sell out of a position purely so I could buy somewhere else. I’d convince myself why that stock was now worth selling - confirmation bias is VERY easy to do - and then I’d convince myself of why I should pump it into another stock.
I think since I’ve deleted it, that little buzz or excitement has gone. And I think I’m having some sort of withdrawals from it?
I’ve been on Freetrade for a while
I’ve been on Freetrade since… Jeez… Umm… Before Pfizer released news on finding a vaccine. So… Umm… I wanna say September 2020 I got on there. I had no clue on stock and shares back then other than owning Royal Mail shares purely from working for them. But I got into it BIG. And since then I’ve basically been thinking about stocks and shares on a DAILY basis. Late nights, spreadsheets, YouTube videos, screener apps, charts and all other shit.
And as usual, rather than dicking about trading different shares, I would’ve been better off investing in your standard ETFs. I would’ve saved time, saved getting hooked, and inevitably earned more money.
The only plus side from all of this is that I didn’t go full gambler mode and lose all my money. I’m actually still up, but that’s besides the point.
The point is, I currently feel like I’ve lost this excitement in me for the business, and I’m guessing Freetrade has knocked me on that.
That and…
I feel very…
Like… It’s like I almost have a bit of perform anxiety?
NOT FUCKING SEXUAL BEFORE YOU START.
No. Just in regards to content.
I just get really anxious about it at the moment. I feel stupid. I feel shit. I feel like what I’m doing isn’t very good. I feel like I’m closing up on the inside whenever I’m about to do a video.
And I’m very conscious that the business is highly dependent on me and the content I put out.
If I just stopped posting TikTok videos eventually the business would probably fail. Or at least gradually drop off. So there’s that added pressure to perform too. Like I HAVE to do this for more than just me. So I guess I don’t feel as carefree and relaxed, and shit feels tense and I feel awkward and uncomfortable. Then that makes me feel less excited again, but I feel like it’s a chore to get this stuff out of me, rather than being just fun.
I probably don’t help myself.
Some people might say to take a break. But at the moment, I can’t.
I’ve started this TikTok packing videos for Easter Eggs things and I want to finish it. Even if some of the YouTube video ideas involve other people. Like one of the “parts” for it - because I have to map this shit out in my head for it to work - is to turn up at the food bank and film us dropping it off.
Like that’s a pretty important part of the video, right?
Don’t get me wrong, part of me always thinks there’s nothing worse than someone filming themselves doing charitable stuff. Like you don’t need to wank yourself off and show how virtuous you are on camera in order to do nice things, right?
BUT… If you don’t do the content for it, then sometimes that shits on the ability to do charity work.
Take Mr. Beast for example.
Does he have to film himself giving someone a car? Or a homeless man $10,000? Or them starting a food bank?
Yes, yes he does.
Without the content, none of that shit would even exist.
Of course, we’re technically different as the content is ALMOST secondary to the fact that the wax melts pay for our charity stuff not the content itself.
But yeah… I just know I’d feel like a right bellend saying “hey, any chance we could film some bits for YouTube?”
I know the people there would probably be cool with it, but I’m just an awkward wanker I’d probably die on the inside and the whole thing would feel very uncomfortable.
And I know that almost sounds stupid when I post stuff on TikTok where at any given moment MILLIONS of people could see it. Like right now, as I’m typing this, TikTok could go “right we’re blowing Ross up” and then loads of people might see something. But we all know that posting shit online is different.
Most people wouldn’t do half the videos they post on TikTok if they had the viewers there watching. Even if you have barely any views, how many people would do a TikTok dance or lip sync if 50 people stood and watched?
Like how would a packing video look if I had 3000 people sat there going “Go on then, pack it for me”. That would be proper awkward.
Maybe I’ll get better with this…
Maybe in 5 years time I’ll be really good at filming and doing all this shit in front of other people. Perhaps I just have to do my time and gradually overcome this shit feeling. Or maybe I just have to drop it all and stick to doing what I’m comfortable with. Like writing.
Honestly though, the only reason I want to make any of this a success is so that we can just do more good stuff. That and I genuinely like making content. If suddenly the government closed all wax melt businesses down and I went back to Royal Mail, I’d still be on stories or somewhere talking shit.
Anyway…
I don’t even know what I’m saying now. I think this all meandered all over the place and I got away from whatever my point was.
I don’t really know what the answer is with this performance anxiety and loss of mojo. Part of me knows that I need to just plod along, try my best, and put my faith in the fact that it’ll eventually return.
But if any of you are ever going through shit you don’t understand, talk about it.
You don’t have to send 7000 people an email, that’s probably not the usual way to go about it. But honestly, talk about it in some way.
And if you’re not comfortable talking to someone, then who said you had to talk to a person? The best therapy sessions I ever had used to be me talking to myself on the iPad. This was probably… almost 10 years ago. I’d just hit record, and chat shit. I guess some things never really change, do they?
Thank you for reading,
Much love,
Ross & Rachel x
Losing some of my Mojo