My Struggle With Binge Eating

Yep, another ramble...

Hello people of the internet! Ok, this should be a fun one. And by “fun” I obviously mean “rambling incoherent jumble of nonsense” as I have no idea what I’m going to say, but as per usual, I’m going to use this platform as a form of therapy. Yes, Amazon email you about offers, I turn you into a silent therapist. We are not the same.

Binge Eating

I’ll be honest, at times I can be a MASSIVE binge eater. But, as someone who’s relatively “healthy” it’s never come across as much of a problem. I’m roughly 5ft 5 and weigh somewhere in the region of 13st or so. Technically, according to the BMI bullshit, I’m actually obese.

But for me - and I’m guessing others too? - binge eating doesn’t create physical problems, although I can clearly see how it can, but it creates psychological problems. Or perhaps more accurately, it’s the symptom of psychological problems?

I will be honest, as I’m writing this, I have absolutely no idea what possible psychological problems I might have. Sure, I occasionally feel stressed, but in large, I wouldn’t consider myself a stressed individual. Yes, we have 3 young kids and a business whilst entering a recession. Mmm fill my bum with fun. But I feel relatively calm about all of that most of the time.

I also don’t think I do it to deal with trauma. I believe I’ve dealt with that part of my life.

Perhaps binge eating is merely a habit loop for me now

Is it habit at this point? Is it really just a well formed habit loop? I know I have a lot of cues that start it off: any sort of isolation in the kitchen will set it off. So if the dogs jump down and I have to let them out, I find myself alone in the kitchen and thus the routine of heading to the cupboard is setup.

As for the reward? Well I get to eat something that’s desirable in some form to our bodies. Chocolate, meat, sweets. Whatever it is, the body clearly sees it as rewarding. Thus the habit loop is reinforced and all the harder to break next time.

What even is binge eating?

Since I’ve been overthinking it a lot lately, I’ve almost got to the point where I’ve confused myself.

At the moment, I’m having a tough time differentiating between wanting to eat chocolate because eating chocolate is a perfectly acceptable and enjoyable thing to do. And wanting to eat chocolate as a form of binge eating.

Like where is the distinction? Is it in how much is eaten? How it’s eaten? How you feel as a result of eating it?

Personally, I don’t think binge eating is fully down to the amount eaten - despite the name binge being in the title. Like no one “binge watches” ONE episode of a TV series.

But perhaps they might periodically binge watch something throughout the course of two days, and not as one full sit down.

I guess in that regards, that’s how I binge eat.

It’s not a case of smashing through a chocolate bar in one sitting - although that does happen sometimes - it’s a case of consistently going back to the cupboard several times through the day to eventually eat all of it.

I don’t think it’s about what you eat, it’s how you eat it

Again, I have no idea if this is applicable to anyone else, or if this is just how I do it. But my binge eating is done more in solitude. Like that’s how the psychological effects arise - the guilt, shame, addictiveness etc.

I think part of me seeks guilt, shame and sadness. There’s that bit deep down that’s like “mmmm cover me in that sadness baby.” Bad brain. Don’t do that.

But perhaps binge eatings is that part of the brain manifesting.

I donno… why you asking me for?

But if I was to make some brownies and then sit down with Rachel and eat several of them, then I wouldn’t feel bad. I did something communal after all. But… If I snuck off several times through the say to sneak bites of brownie out of the cupboard, then I would feel entirely different, despite eating the same amount.

Like to people publicly binge eat much? Or is it more of a solitudinal thing?

Again, I don’t know. I’m literally just writing shite here.

Is it just a form of ADHD?

I donno. Possibly.

People have been telling me I probably have ADHD for ages. From the addictive side of me, the fidgeting, excessive talking - no shit - the sporadic nature with how I work. The inability to stop thinking about stuff to the frequent lack of impulse control - this business was literally formed on complete and utter impulse.

Like really. the ONLY reason that Teddy Eva Scents is a thing is because Rachel seemed to be on board with it after a little while too. Usually if I’m the only one into something after my intense addictive phase is done I usually drop it completely. But with TES Rachel still had interest and we had already got the ball rolling enough so that it kind of just carried on.

But apparently binge eating can be linked to ADHD. Which wouldn’t shock me really. Binge eating is essentially a lack of impulse control and almost a form of fidgeting. Maybe?

I think I just need to break the habit cycle and replace the eating with something like press-ups. Every time I want to sneak that chocolate bar I’ll drop and do 20. Give me two weeks and I’ll be hench as fuck. That’ll stop the habit side of it at least.

Either that or I need to just accept it when it happens. Which I’m trying to do. There’s obviously a balance between going “yeah fuck it, have chocolate it’s fine” and “yoooooo why you eating another bar you dick?”

Maybe I’ll ban myself from eating alone. No eating anything without anyone else present. Seems like it might work. Or I’ll just be running over to the bus stop going “HEY! WATCH ME EAT THIS CHOCOLATE! MMMMMM! FUCK YEAH!” and then get arrested.

Oh, and before anyone says anything, no I don’t want to go get tested by the doctors for ADHD.

I wouldn’t want someone to remove it even if they could.

Maybe Rachel would like it dialled down a little. If you think I come across as intense on here at times then you don’t know the half of what she has to deal with. After all, I don’t talk publicly about all of my obsessions. I’ve literally had times where I’ve been addicted to Rachel. Less on that.

But it’s part of me, and how I think. Without it the business just wouldn’t be where it is. Would I be more consistent with things? Sure. Might I sleep more? Again, sure.

But it is what it is.

So yeah… this was my newsletter about binge eating. Was it shit? Probably. But fuck me I tried my best like.

Thank you for reading! If you want to buy anything to show your support to us and the business then unlucky mother fucker, the website is closed.

Nah, we’ll be back on Boxing Day. Please don’t leave me.

Much love,

Ross & Rachel x