Hello there people of the internet! I’m Ross and I’m here to aimlessly ramble away at you for absolutely no need. Why? Well mainly because the internet here at Bluestone is proper shite and it’s either talk bollocks on here or watch Masterchef. I can’t even bang Disney+ on to watch the last episode of Moon Knight 🙄 and no, Bluestone, I’m not paying extra for premium wifi… you’re already trying to upsell and money grab at every turn - there’s a mini ramble on it’s own - so no chance. Sorry.
Letting Kids Struggle…
So yeah… I’m basically here to extend on what I talked about on stories the other day, and talk about letting kids struggle when they’re doing stuff.
I just fancied talking about it because I was literally in this big soft play thing with Archie for around 40 minutes because he didn’t feel like he was able to climb all the way down. He’d struggle and manage to get down one level, then think “well fuck that” and climb back up - because it’s easier - without realising that he now has more to go down. We’d basically cycle around the place as he’d do a few, climb back up, do a few, climb back up…
The easy option would’ve been to just grab him and help him down. But no, I opted for the “massive bellend” move of sitting back and watching him struggle. I’d hit him with words of encouragement, but I did let him know that he has to do it himself.
I think the hardest thing in this situation is the societal pressure of feeling like you have to parent in a socially acceptable way. Sometimes it almost feels like there’s this consensus of how everyone should parent and you almost feel like you have to go that way.
The hardest one for me is the whole “say sorry” thing. Like if Archie does something to another kid I’m supposed to tell Archie to say sorry, right? But I don’t like to ever make Isabelle or Archie say sorry.
Luckily I’ve never been in a position in public where it’s come up, but naturally it happens all the time in the house. If Isabelle hits Archie over a toy then I don’t jump to “HEY! SAY SORRY” because I don’t really believe in it.
I know, I know, I’m going off on a tangent, but let me talk shite.
So to me, feeling sorry - and this is literally in the wording - is a feeling. And as such, you can’t tell someone to feel something. If Isabelle kicked Archie and she doesn’t feel sorry about it yet because he did something to piss her off, then don’t say sorry. I’m not going to make you talk shit because it’s the thing you’re supposed to do.
Don’t get me wrong, she does tend to end up saying sorry IN HER OWN WAY. Which for Isabelle is NOT saying sorry. She very rarely ever does. Instead she draws a picture. She might write stuff like “love you so much” or she might even write “sorry” on the drawing. But she doesn’t like saying it.
Which brings me to the whole “parenting in public” thing. I’d almost feel compelled to tell Isabelle to say sorry because the other parent would probably expect it. To be fair, I’d probably get face to face with Isabelle and say “look mate, do us a solid and just say sorry so I don’t look like a massive wanker, don’t worry if you don’t mean it, just say it and we’ll talk about it after” and she’d probably help me out cause we’re mates.
It’s not like I can get down and go “how would you feel if someone kicked you in the head when you were trying to play on the swing…” and all this other shit. Then grab the colours out and draw the kid a picture. Don’t get me wrong, she absolutely would, but I don’t think it would be practical for me to stand there and say “she’ll be with you in 10-15 minutes.”
Anyway… my point is, sometimes we feel compelled to parent in a socially acceptable way, and a lot of the time I’m very aware that I could come across as a bit of a dick. Mainly because I just naturally am. But I’m cool with it.
Back to Archie in the soft play thing…
I know I looked like a dick. I know one or two parents looked at me sitting there watching him try to find his footing, then cry, give up, try again… repeat.
On a brief encounter I look like an uncaring, unsupportive wanker. And I’m not going to lie, that’s only true after roughly 9pm because just go to sleep for fuck sake 😂
BUT…
They probably didn’t see the moment he got down that last part and ran over to give me a massive high five and a cuddle and he was chuffed to bits with himself.
I allowed him to have that moment where he was chuffed with himself. To me, I could’ve stolen that from him multiple times.
And that’s my whole point with all this shit of letting kids struggle - sometimes to the point of crying - and letting them overcome something themselves. It feels fucking good when you struggle and get through it.
Sure, it has an element of danger to it. Archie likes climbing past his comfort zone and almost panics when he realises where he is. But he knows that it’s on him to get through. I try my best to literally just be there if he actually falls. Lose your footing? You gotta recover that shit. Panic and cry? I’ll talk to you. But I don’t want to steal the moments from them where they overcome something. That’s moments for them.
Oh yeah…
While I’m here, if your kid literally just gets on something in the park and one of mine rocks up to wait their turn, make them wait.
Archie went up to this spinning thing yesterday SECONDS after another kid got on it and their parent came over and went “come on you’ve had your turn” and I was literally there like “No it’s fine”. The kid got taken off, kicked off massively, and then Archie seemingly felt awkward for the kid and didn’t really want a go. He just looked like he was there going “ah shit, sorry mate”.
But again… that’s those societal pressures of doing the “right thing”. We’re all told that kids are supposed to share. Isabelle even hits us with “sharing is caring” which I’m guessing they get from school. But sometimes kids need to learn to wait too. I like it when kids don’t want to give something up in the park. I get to teach Isabelle that yeah, sometimes you don’t get the shit you want. You can kick up a fuss or go somewhere else and enjoy doing something else.
Don’t worry, I still tell Isabelle and Archie to give others a go. Usually I can tell when someone wants to have a go but they don’t want to let you know that they want to have a go and make you feel awkward.
Anyway…
I could ramble away at this for ages and drone on more than I already have.
I have no idea what my point was?
Let kids fall a bit? Don’t panic and run to them? Don’t worry if people judge you? Fuck doing stuff just because you’re “supposed” to? I don’t know…
Hope all is well with all of you though! I might write some sort of “roundup” or review type thing on Bluestone after this week. If I’m honest, I haven’t been as fussed this time. Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice being away, but I just feel like Bluestone are after the extra money more so than usual and everything feels soooo expensive. Inflation for you, right?
Thank you for reading!
Much love,
Ross & Rachel x
I’m so with you, the social side of forcing your child to say sorry or feeling the pressure of being judged. Been there at soft play when another parents little terror annoyed my child that much and snatched away a toy so he reacted, quite rightly in my eyes by taking the toy back.
I push my little one to be the best he can be and will always be there to dust him off if he needs, but after a bad week I honestly needed a blog like this to know someone else out there sees things like I do so must be doing something right.
Enjoy your holiday and was reading this in your dulcet tones from start to finish