Well let’s see what comes out in this newsletter then. No word of a lie, I will just say this before I start, that I really can’t be arsed for a lot at the moment. I just don’t feel like I care. I’m just muddling along, sometimes a bit better, sometimes back struggling to care. So I thought I’d just write shit and send it.
I know a lot of you are probably just here for the wax melts, and that’s fine. Maybe skip this one I guess.
But right now, not only can I not be arsed for a lot, I can’t even be arsed to say I can’t be arsed. Do you ever get that? You know you feel like shit but can’t be arsed to even say it and get all the hassle that often comes with it. The “why’s” and the “how’s” and the questions and judgement and all of the other bollocks. Sometimes I just want to be left to feel like shit. Sometimes there is no reason why I feel like shit. Or sometimes there is one, but I can’t be arsed to talk about it as it only makes things worse.
It’s one thing I’m quite proud of with Isabelle. If she sees one of us being upset, she doesn’t want to know why, she just wants to make you feel better. To give you a cuddle or a toy or to just lie next to you and chill.
What’s up then?
I don’t fully know.
I think it’s just one of those things. I often cycle around like this. One minute I genuinely question the point in everything and then the next thing I’m back to normal and full of energy. Right now I’m at the bottom part of that cycle. If it wasn’t for the fact I had two kids to look after and technically a business to run, I probably would just be sat there watching shit on YouTube drowning in unnecessary amounts of self loathing.
But luckily, kids have a way to pull you along out of sheer necessity. Even if sometimes they also add to the feeling of misery.
I know I’m struggling more with Archie… and the prospect of number 3
I probably shouldn’t talk about this as I know there’ll be a few out there who will look at me disapprovingly. But I honestly don’t care. Right now I’m struggling with Archie. Not only that, but the prospect of adding a third kid into the mix is genuinely making me feel anxious at how I’ll feel when we have three. Will I get depressed more often? There’s a good chance.
What’s that? You can’t say that about your future baby? I can’t sit here and say that a part of me thinks it was probably a bad idea to try for a third? Why not?
If someone wants to sit there and think of me as a horrible person just because I have a little bit of “regret” at the prospect of having three kids then I’m cool with it. Just let me speak. I’ve always said that a hard truth is better than an easy lie.
I know in 5 years time when we have a 9, 7 and 5 year old I’ll be loving it. But right now, I’m not. And that’s ok.
I’ll happily hold my hand up and say I’m not a big fan of babies. Heck, even toddlers.
At the moment, I just don’t really enjoy my time with Archie
Sure, you’re not supposed to say that. Apparently you’re only supposed to say how wonderful your kids are and how much you love them. But at the moment, being with Archie just isn’t that fun.
I think it’s just that age. The age where then want to do everything themselves but can’t do most of it. The age where he wants to climb everything and be involved with everything. He wants to eat all the time but if you don’t do it just right then he’ll kick off.
If we go anywhere he wants to go the exact opposite direction to anyone else. And if I ever do try and do something fun - like colouring with Isabelle and Archie - then it always ends in a shit show as Archie is too young to do it like Isabelle does so the two of them want to murder each other.
Yes, he’s cute. Yes, he wants to cuddle. Yes, I obviously love him. But at the same time, he’s bloody annoying.
But again, I know once we get through this stage and he’ll actually leave Ralph alone for two minute and hang on…
Then everything will be a bit better.
But then we’ll have a third. And we’ll have to do it all over again. Which I’m trying my very best to frame in a positive light. Like I said, in the future it’ll be fine.
I think this is just parenting for you. It’s not always all that fun. It’s mostly a struggle, which is probably why it’s also so rewarding. It’s not like running a marathon is fun, but when you lie in bed at the end of the day after running one, you know you’ve done a good bit of work.
At least I’m not turning to food to make myself feel worse
I suppose that’s one good thing from all of this. At least I haven’t been eating shit just for the sake of it while I’ve been feeling shit. No munching away at everything that’s up the unit. No binge eating. I’ve stayed good with my “diet” and that’s a plus. Not that it’s a diet. I just watch what I eat a bit and don’t go mental.
Anyway…
That’ll do. I’m surprised I managed to write this amount without shit going south around the house, or me just going “can’t even be arsed to write this”. I dare say I could write more, explain myself better, make it so I don’t sound or appear as awful as I may have made out. I could send this to Rachel for her to proofread but nah, here it is.
So yeah… hope all is well with everyone and all that jazz. I dare say I’ll be out of this cycle at some point fairly soon and I’ll forget I ever felt shit. But as of this writing I don’t really care. I don’t even care if I feel better any time soon. Which is stupid, but there we go.
Much love,
Ross & Rachel x
Hey Ross I’m sorry your not having a great time at the moment take one day at a time and things will eventually get better. And In the meantime we will read your news letters and some of us will reply to you. Try and stay strong and carry on the best you can. Sending big hugs to you all. Loulou
We all get like this mate, I have days like this every time where I can't be bothered or arsed myself, but your doing well with everything.
You got amazing kids and another due, it's the typical life cycle of a shit show unfortunately, but we all get through it in out own way