Hello there people of the internet, I’m Ross and I’m about to waste approximately 6 minutes of your time. Sorry in advance. But I’m here to talk about my head. Which sounds fun, right!? Don’t worry, we won’t go into the evil dark demons that sit in some crevice deep within my brain, but instead I’ll just try and talk a little bit about how my head works when it comes to the business.
Here's a little peak inside my head
Yeah, so I’m not even sure why I wanted to write about this. Maybe I just want to do it for me so I can better understand why I get so twitchy some days. Or maybe for Rachel to read so she can understand why I do. But either way, as usual, I’m just going to write and see what comes out. 90% of the time this “newsletter” is simply some form of written therapy for me that I happen to force 1000s of other people to read too. God I’m nice to you aren’t I?
Anyway…
So I mentally can’t take days off. I just can’t function if I do.
Every single day I need to do something that makes me feel like I’ve accomplished something on that day. Whether that’s physically, mentally, or just some form of work that makes me accept that I can now take time off.
I guess Rachel sometimes sees it as a huge dis to her and the kids. Like why can’t I just go “hey I’m done with the business for the week, let’s all do nice stuff together!” Are they not enough? Are Rachel and the kids alone not good enough for me?
Of course they’re good enough for me.
But for whatever reason I’m just not wired to be able to take undistracted time off.
I need to feel like I’ve done something every single day…
My brain is literally on the go every single second of the day. If I sit down for two minutes and just sit there, my brain doesn’t stop. It fucking refuses to have silence and it refuses to stop talking to me.
Does that make me sound mental if I say my brain is talking to me? Would it be less weird if I said I talk to myself?
But anyway… Yes, my brain talks to me ALL DAY. And the louder it gets, the twitchier I get.
One way to shut it up for a bit is to accomplish something. Or do some sort of work. Like the moment I wake up my brain goes “mate, what have you done today? You haven’t done anything yet. What you gonna do? Come on… lazy fuck. Go do something…”
And then here I am. Writing an email talking about it. Because once this is sent I can go “well there’s an email done, how’s that?”
And my brain will go “Yeah good, now what?”
I reallllllllly struggle to switch off
The other day I had a few hours where I said to Isabelle I’d put my phone on the side and leave it and do whatever she wanted. It’s something I probably need to do more of, but it’s also something that by the end of it my head hurt.
Not that I’m on my phone a massive amount around the kids. I try to put it away but then something will quickly come to me and I’ll feel compelled to sort it out.
But during that time of consciously putting it aside my brain got flooded with shit it wanted me to do. And it takes effort for me to go “NOT NOW” a 1000 times.
It basically doesn’t shut up.
Even now I can hear it going “do the labels. What about listings? Done the accounts yet? Why doesn’t the income from Shopify match what was paid in? Where’s the discrepancy? Why are you writing an email for? You should probably do the listings. Have you replied to comments on TikTok? You need to sort the new printers out soon…” and on and on and on.
And it’s probably why I struggle to remain focused on one task. And it’s also probably why I get less done when I’m up the unit on my own as I have no one there to go “Ross, wtf are you doing?”
Like I could be in the middle of packing an order and I’ll go get the weighing scales to weigh it, then see a packet we had delivered and start opening that, then realise I need the knife so I’ll go get that, then on my way to get the knife I’ll see the cardboard and start putting it in the bin, then I’ll see a bottle of oil in the recycling and I’ll think about checking what ones we might need, then I’ll go on the laptop to see what other ones we could get, then I’m suddenly doing our forecasts…
In essence, my brain is a very undecided person. It’s like a child at the best all you can eat buffet ever. It just wants a little bit of everything as soon as possible.
I don’t really like time off…
But my head does feel a lot calmer when I’ve done some work. If I’ve gone up the unit and poured then I feel like I can switch off a little more in the day. Or at least tell it to shut up a bit as I’ve done something.
Which is probably why I don’t like time off. It just doesn’t feel right. I get twitchy and irritable and I’m always like “so what are we doing?” which is probably why I’ve always been shit at holidays. I’m like “yeah, but what’s the point?”
Like what would be a huge challenge for me would be to take a full week with no laptop, no phone and no unit. We are off to Bluestone in January so in theory I could do it for that. Although I think I’d combust. I even “jokingly” said to Rachel I could take the printer with and just do the accounts then.
Maybe all of this is some sort of self worth thing? Like maybe I only feel like I have worth if I’ve done something? Maybe I’m super hard on myself and don’t think I deserve time off? Maybe I just really like my work and enjoy doing it? Perhaps being a little bit selfish is good if it then means I’m better the rest of the day?
To be fair… I think I’m probably just ADHD.
If I did an online ADHD test thing, I basically feel like they’re asking me personal questions about me. Here’s the questions they asked:
I find it difficult finishing a task or project
I find it difficult to organise myself or a task
I find it difficult to remember appointments
If a task or project requires a lot of thought I will often delay in getting it started
I find it difficult to sit still and often fidget or squirm
I would describe myself as being ‘on the go’ and feel compelled to do things, as if driven by a motor
I find it hard to remain focused in group settings
My mind feels very cluttered and it is hard for me to concentrate on one thing at a time
I make decisions quickly and fail to think through the consequences
I am often irritable, with a short fuse
I have mood swings, sometimes feeling quite high, other times low
I often miss what is being said to me in conversations
I mean all of that basically feels like someone talking about my personality traits. Like Rachel hates going place with me - like appointments - where we have to sit somewhere and wait, because she knows I’ll wander around the room, make noises, try to poke her glasses and generally be irritating.
Without Rachel I think I’d make some ridiculous impulsive choices. It wasn’t that long ago that I was mildly annoyed that she didn’t wanna sell the house the buy and RV and we could all live there instead. Heck, even this business was started on an impulsive, un-thought-out decision. So sometimes it’s good I guess.
If I am ADHD, then what?
I don’t really like labels. Say I am ADHD, what does it matter? Do I just then get to use it as an excuse? I get to go “oh that’s just my ADHD” and stop taking as much responsibility for what I do? Labels can be dangerous as sometimes people fucking love them and then they identity more with them and lean heavily into them.
And what difference would it make? I’d get a little note saying “you AHDH as fuck mate” and then I’d put in in a frame? Or go on meds? No thank you.
I think there’s a part of me that wants to get tested purely to confirm it and then perhaps I won’t feel as bad about it.
Sometimes I hate the fact that I can’t switch off and I can’t just sit there playing dolls with Isabelle without mentally wandering. I blame myself and then I sometimes feel shit. I feel shit that Rachel thinks they aren’t enough. When perhaps it’s not my fault, it’s just the way my brain is wired. Maybe having a doctor say it will make me more accepting of it. Rather than trying to fight it.
I don’t know.
But for whatever reason, I almost get emotional when thinking about it.
Maybe it is an acceptance thing? Like yeah… the idea of someone saying “Yes, you have this” makes me have tears. As if I can go “that’s why my head is fucked”.
I don’t know…
Anyway…
I guess that’ll do. I guess I just wanted to try and explain a little why I’ll still be doing business stuff this week when I should be finished for Christmas and enjoying family time. Fear not, I will down tools on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day - and Boxing Day Rachel said. Although if I wake up at 5am and everyone is asleep I’ll still happily come downstairs on the laptop for five. But I’ll try not to.
So yeah… thank you for reading that shite. If you got to this point then you’re a trooper mate. I’m guessing after this Substack asks if you want to share it? Does anyone share an email? I think it also give you a link so you can share it in the same way you can share blog posts etc. Which is cool. But yeah… I’m going to go, thank you for being here!
Much love,
Ross & Rachel x
Welcome to the ADHD club. We meet on Wednesdays, if we can be arsed or remember.
I feel your pain ADHD is a arsehole I lost a relationship over it . Stay true to yourself we live for your rambles